My exams are over, I just got back from a press trip with KLM, my love life isn’t making my friends cringe in horror for once and the sun is high up in the sky. Life is good, isn’t it? Isn’t it?
As my life as a student draws to an inevitable end, I can feel panic crawling up my spine. What should I do with, you know, the rest of my life? How should I ensure my continued survival? I know, I know, I’m making it all sound way too dramatic in my head. But seriously, how should I pay my bills as a full-blown adult? As I walk around my university’s campus – which is where these photos were taken – these questions reverberate through my head, making it heavy with indecision.
My gut is telling me to pursue blogging full time. If not now, when? I’m not keen on the idea of working hard to build somebody else’s dreams and my twenties are the best time to pursue mine. But I don’t want to be too idealistic. What I’m making right now is enough as a part time income – not enough to live on, at the very least not in London which just so happens to be one of the most expensive places to live in the world.
I could move to Thailand or some other place cheap and exotic – my income would probably suffice there. But what once felt like a wonderful, liberating idea gets less and less appealing with each passing day. Why? I would be lying to everyone including myself if I told you that one of the main reasons wasn’t my current relationship.
Yes, it’s true. I’ve been seeing someone and for the first time in years I am actually excited about the direction in which my love life is headed. Packing up my bags and moving to Thailand might not sabotage that relationship, but it would definitely make continuing it difficult. I’ve always said I wouldn’t give up on my plans for a boyfriend, but what used to feel like an incredible idea now just feels like an unnecessary escape. I’m not saying I never want to go, I just don’t really want to go right now…
The bottom line is this: if I do stay in the UK (or anywhere in the West for that matter), I will need a job to support me and I’m not sure blogging can do that for me just yet. That is why I have set a deadline for myself – September 1. If I feel like I can make a decent enough living through blogging by then, that will be my green light. If I don’t… I’ll worry about that then. For now it’s balls to the wall, late nights and hundreds of emails.
But even if blogging does start to make me enough money, there’s another issue. It’s less practical but it matters just as much, if not more. It’s about the substance of what I’m doing. When I started my degree in political science, I dreamt of saving the world. I wanted to lend a voice to the voiceless, I wanted to see the world become a better place because of my hard work and effort. Is that what I’m achieving with this blog or am I just living out some deeply egocentric fantasy of feeling like a D-list internet celebrity?
So yes, it’s safe to say I worry. There are a million questions cruising through my head at any given moment and I’m doing the best I can to keep myself on the right track. But nothing is more helpful than you – your comments, your retweets, your support… The fact that you spend a small part of your day reading my blog lends what I’m doing meaning and makes me hopeful that I am walking down the right path.
To keep myself positive, I’ve been surrounding myself with things that motivate me – and that extends to my sartorial choices. I realise this may sound shallow, but dressing up in beautiful clothes fills me with inspiration and energy. High heels give me confidence, bright colours make me smile, dresses with flattering silhouettes make me stand up a little taller and speak with a little more conviction.
We all need an occasional sign that what we are doing is worthwhile and that things will work out in the end. I’ve been wearing mine around my wrist in the form of a delicate rose gold bracelet. I’ve never been one for subtle jewellery – or any form of subtlety for that matter – but I’m trying to change that. My Tresor Paris bracelet is a constant reminder me that sometimes success and happiness can be hard to notice when they’re right in front of your eyes… they’re fleeting, slippery concepts and nearly impossible to grasp. But every now and then, as their gleam reflects in our eyes, we can feel them as if they were tangible statues made of gold.
dress: vila; blazer: h&m; bracelet: c/o tresor paris; rings: swarovski; heels: guess; handbag: michael kors
Well, that’s it from me for today folks! I don’t normally write these “dear diary” style posts, but let’s see what you think. Is this the kind of thing you’d like to hear more about? I realise my online presence is a highly filtered version of my actual day-to-day existence, so it’s quite nice to give you an insight into some of the fears and challenges I am grappling with at the moment.
What would you do if you were in my position?
Do you think I should give blogging full time a whirl?